Hear the voices, see the words. Be apart from them. Your decision. Try and pack up all the little things of yourself. Take all the suitcases you dumped out everywhere and try and make it all fit back inside. Take some clumsy steps to force your orbit away, away.
You’re outside the circle.
You always have been.
roar, little monster.
cover your face, stamp your feet. know that feeling welling up inside you, the one that makes you feel like you’re going to cry or laugh and it boils inside you, threatening to bubble over.
you laugh when things are wrong, when they are frightening.
“Nooooooooo” you wail.
it’s just a cookie, but it’s all wrong.
wrong, wrong, wrong.
why does this bother you?
Get out of your brain. It’s not healthy.
Scoop them out, discard them. It’s all faulty wiring and fat eaten up. Bet it squishes and oozes black.
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Find something to live for that isn’t yourself, she said. I’m already clinging desperately to the raft of someone else. Trying to tread the waters of my own seas.
I’m drowning, I’m drowning.
And I can’t make a sound.
As a child, you dance. You spin around and you laugh. You sing. You take your sister’s hands and you dance in the way the only children can.
Somewhere along the way, you lose that.
It’s a waltz. Three positions. Alternating, always returning to baseline. Depression, mania, baseline.
As a child, you won an award for being an optimist. For having a positive attitude.
Right now, you hate yourself so much that you want it to end.
And you wonder where it all went wrong down the line. Where did the faulty wiring start that led you from that glass being so very full to being bone dry? When your mother asks you that question, asks you what happened to the happy child that she once knew, you can’t even remember who that was.
One two, one two.
When do you remember how to dance on your own, little monster? Or are you just echoing the steps of everyone before you?
Stop calling me “brave”.
Amazing video about bullying. You are not alone.
I lost it at about 2:10 and bawled my way to the end.
“but I want to tell them
that all of this shit
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
“they were wrong”’
You’re falling asleep, you close your eyes, and it’s like all the static comes rushing back. Sometimes it’s pictures, other times, it’s just noise. Background noise, in your brain, and you can’t fall asleep just yet because the incomprehensible sounds sometimes string together into coherent words, ones that don’t always make sense. It’s a constant buzzing, like watching a TV station turned between channels.
LET ME OUT the voice said, deeply, and you can almost hear it outside of your head. Your eyes open and then you slam them shut and try to sleep with a brain that’s a beehive.
Your first clear memory is a deep feeling of shame. You still don’t want to admit to why in public.
You just knew there was something wrong about you, something bad and shameful, and you didn’t want your new friend to know.
Wh-what are you doing here?! G-go away!
I’m hiding until you leave!
Stay away from me!
It’s your fault it happened!
In your world, my feet are out of step.
My arms won’t move, my hands won’t grab.
I will never read your stupid map.
So don’t call me incomplete.
You’re the freak.
Keep going, keep going.
A fair mimic.
Nothing I ever asked for. What if I’m not ill, at all? What if my brain is just creating symptoms, against my will, and I’m actually perfectly fine? I’m not mentally ill, I just have a condition that mimics mental illness.
Or is that train of thought proof of illness?